An englishman, a scotsman and an irishman are sitting in an australian pub, all ordering a beer. a fly lands in each of their drinks, to which the englishman turns his head in disgust and orders another beer, pushing the first away. the scotsman merely fishes the fly out and throws it over his shoulder, taking a swig, while the irishman glares into his glass, rips out the fly and screams at it, "spit it out, you bastard"
a married couple were watching a tv show on human emotions....when the topic of mixed emotions was being discussed the man told his wife that it was all bullshit....he said...there is no such thing as mixed emotions.....his wife replies....yes there is....oh yeah says the husband....then tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time...the wife promptly replies....of all your friends you have the biggest dick..
A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh right up just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put ?Happy Thanksgiving? under the turkey.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Claus with ?Merry Christmas? up on her left thigh. So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too.
As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says ?if you don?t mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs??
She says ?I?m sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there?s nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.?
Involutary Muscle Contractions
A professor at the University of Mississippi was giving a lecture on ?Involuntary Muscular Contractions? to his first year medical students.
Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, ?Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you?re having an orgasm??
She replied, ?Probably deer hunting with his buddies.??
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom????
The Italian says, When I?ve a finished a making love I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats 6 inches above the bed in ecstasy.
The Frenchman replies That is nothing, when I?ve finished making love, I kiss all the way down her body, and then I lick the soles of her feet with my tongue, and she floats 12 inches above the bed in pure ecstasy.
The redneck says, That aint nothing. When I?ve finished porkin the ole lady, I git out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe my wiener on the curtains. She hits the fuckin? ceiling!
The Italian says, When I?ve a finished a making love I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats 6 inches above the bed in ecstasy.
The Frenchman replies That is nothing, when I?ve finished making love, I kiss all the way down her body, and then I lick the soles of her feet with my tongue, and she floats 12 inches above the bed in pure ecstasy.
The redneck says, That aint nothing. When I?ve finished porkin the ole lady, I git out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe my wiener on the curtains. She hits the fuckin? ceiling!
a man and his wife were watching a tv documentary on the minds ability to have mixed emotions...the husband turns to his wife and says this is bullshit...there is no such thing as mixed emotions...his wife assures him that it is possible...the husband says oh yeah...then tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time.......his wife looks at him and says...of all your friends,you have the biggest dick..
a man and his wife were watching a tv documentary on the minds ability to have mixed emotions...the husband turns to his wife and says this is bullshit...there is no such thing as mixed emotions...his wife assures him that it is possible...the husband says oh yeah...then tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time.......his wife looks at him and says...of all your friends,you have the biggest dick..
shit...had forgotten i had already posted this one...sorry
every mornin ole boudreaux stops at the same general store and fills the tank on his boat before he goes fishin and after a day of fishin he stops at the same store and buys a 6 pack of beer...well it dont take long before the local game warden notices that boudreaux catches a bunch of fish every day...one day he asks boudreaux if he could go fishing with him...so the next mornin ole boudreaux picks the warden up for a day of fishin...after a long boat ride boudreax stops the boat and slides a wooden box from under his seat...he pulls a stick of dynamite from the box and lights it then throws it over board...after the explosion the game warden is pissed...he tells boudreaux that dynamiting fish is illegal and he is going to arrest him as soon as they get back to shore...boudreaux pays him no mind and grabs another piece of dynamite...after lighting it he throws it in the game wardens lap and says to him...you gona talk all day or you gona fish???
For years men and women have been at odds concerning who is superior. For an answer to that question let?s see how each deals with conflict.
Man has fight with wife. Look how he attempts to solve the problem:
Man screams loudly that she never listens to him....fight goes on
Man watches his wife begin to cry and he tells her that he isn?t in the mood for her whining...fight goes on
Man feels bad and buys his wife flowers...she refuses to accept the apology
Man tries buying her her favorite candy...she?s still upset
Man offers to take her out for a night on the town...she?s still upset
Man buys her expensive jewelry which she accepts but she reminds him she?s still upset
Man begs for forgiveness telling her what an idiot he is and she somewhat accepts but she reminds him she?ll still hold a grudge.
Now let?s look at how the woman handles conflict.
Woman has a fight with husband.
If she wants to settle things she resorts to one of three little tricks to end the argument immediately
#1. Woman flashes her boobs....fight is over
#2. Woman undresses and offers sex...fight is over
#3. (only to be used in a case of emergency)....Woman drops to her knees and performs oral sex on her husband. Not only is the fight over, but the husband in turn kisses her ass for a week!
At a school in North Carolina a teacher in english is beginning class and they are working on using certain words in sentences . the word for today is Handsome . So she asks the class to volunteer . A girl in the back stands up , Says "my name is Tenisha , and when im sucking my boyfriends snake and my jaw begins to get sore sometimes i have to use my Hand-some ! "
