what is something a wife can say to her husband that will make him happy and sad at the same time ?
Your cock is bigger then your brothers ..
This one has always been a favourite of mine:
A kid is sitting on the edge of a curb tossing up a tube of battery acid, there is a church nearby and a priest walks out and over to the kid and asks: "What you doin there?"
The kid replied, "Oh, just tossing a tube of battery acid"
The priest looks stunned and says, "well you know you shouldn't be playing with battery acid, it's dangerous"
So the priest reaches into his pocket and pulls out a ball of holy water. The preist then says, "i'll trade you this holy water for your battery acid"
The kid goes, "well, what is holy water?"
The preist replies, "well, it's magic"
"What kind of magic does it do?" replied the kid.
"well," the priest said, "I rubbed this on a pregnant woman and she passed a baby"
The kid stands up and goes, "oh yea, i rubbed this on a cat's ass and it passed a camaro"
Billy
First-grade teacher, Ms Neelam (Age 28) was having trouble with one of students. The teacher asked Billy, “what is your problem?”
Billy answered, “I’m too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!”
Ms Neelam had enough. She took Billy to the principal’s office. While Billy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Neelam he would give the Billy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed. Billy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”
Billy.: “9″.
Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”
Billy.: “36″.
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Neelam and tells her, “I think Billy can go to the third-grade.” Ms Neelam says to the principal, “I have some of my own questions. Can I ask him?” The principal and Billy both agree.
Ms Neelam asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Billy, after a moment: “Legs.”
Ms Neelam: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”
Billy: “Pockets.”
Ms Neelam: “What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, and delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?”
Billy: “Coconut.”
Ms Neelam: “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?”
The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Billy: “Bubblegum.”
Ms Neelam: “What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down
and a dog does on three legs?”
The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer…
Billy: “Shake hands.”
Ms Neelam: “Now I will ask some “Who am I” sort of questions, okay?”
Billy: “Yep.”
Ms Neelam: “You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me
up. I get wet before you do.”
Billy: “Tent.”
Ms Neelam: “A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The best man always has me first.”
The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg.
Billy: “Wedding Ring.”
Ms Neelam: “I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.”
Billy: “Nose.”
Ms Neelam: “I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.”
Billy: “Arrow.”
Ms Neelam: “What word starts with a ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means lot of heat and excitement?”
Billy: “Firetruck.”
Ms Neelam: “What word starts with a ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ & if u don’t get it you have to use your hand.”
Billy: “Fork.”
Ms Neelam: “What is it that all men have one of it’s longer on some men than
on others, the pope doesn’t use his and a man gives it to his wife after they’re married?”
Billy: “Surname.”
Ms Neelam: “What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love?”
Billy: “Heart.”
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, “Send this Billy to Delhi University, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!”
The boss had to fire somebody, so he narrowed it down to one of two
people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were
both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire
the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all
night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached
her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you
or Jack off."
"Could you jack off" she says. "I feel like shit today."
The boss had to fire somebody, so he narrowed it down to one of two
people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were
both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire
the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all
night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached
her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you
or Jack off."
"Could you jack off" she says. "I feel like shit today."
Guy picks up the phone and it's his doctor who says i've got bad news and worse news....the guy is like oh, what's the bad news....the dr replies, you have 24 hours to live...the guy gets all tense and says well if that's the bad news what's the worse news...the dr says i forgot to call you yesterday.
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Captain is leading his pirate ship through the open sees, and the crewmen up in the crow's nest yells "ONE ENEMY SHIP STRAIGHT AHEAD", the captain hears this and calls to his first mate and asks him to bring him his red shirt...the first mate looks at the captain weird at first but then goes and gets his shirt the battle then ensues and they end up winning and continue sailing, and as they sail on the first mate approaches the captain.."sir i have to ask you why did you ask for your red shirt yesterday before the battle?"
The captain replied "this way if i am hit the red shirt will camoflauge my blood and we will keep fighting and win the battle"
the first mate shook his head in acknowledgement, then the crewman in the crow's nest yells out "TWENTY ENEMY SHIPS HEADING THIS WAY", the captain turns to his first mate and says "bring me my brown pants"
Guy picks up the phone and it's his doctor who says i've got bad news and worse news....the guy is like oh, what's the bad news....the dr replies, you have 24 hours to live...the guy gets all tense and says well if that's the bad news what's the worse news...the dr says i forgot to call you yesterday.
--------
Captain is leading his pirate ship through the open sees, and the crewmen up in the crow's nest yells "ONE ENEMY SHIP STRAIGHT AHEAD", the captain hears this and calls to his first mate and asks him to bring him his red shirt...the first mate looks at the captain weird at first but then goes and gets his shirt the battle then ensues and they end up winning and continue sailing, and as they sail on the first mate approaches the captain.."sir i have to ask you why did you ask for your red shirt yesterday before the battle?"
The captain replied "this way if i am hit the red shirt will camoflauge my blood and we will keep fighting and win the battle"
the first mate shook his head in acknowledgement, then the crewman in the crow's nest yells out "TWENTY ENEMY SHIPS HEADING THIS WAY", the captain turns to his first mate and says "bring me my brown pants"
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.
He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.
He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."
The Doctor tells his patient he has good news and bad news, which does he want first. The guy says, "Give me the bad news first". Doc says," I'm sorry to say you've only got two weeks to live". "That's terrible", the guy says. "What's the good news?. The Doctor points to the outer office and says, "See that pretty blonde receptionist with the big tits? I'm fucking her."
The Doctor tells his patient he has good news and bad news, which does he want first. The guy says, "Give me the bad news first". Doc says," I'm sorry to say you've only got two weeks to live". "That's terrible", the guy says. "What's the good news?. The Doctor points to the outer office and says, "See that pretty blonde receptionist with the big tits? I'm fucking her."
love it!
An elderly couple go to see a doctor because they’re having trouble remembering things. After an exam, the doctor says, “You’re fine, but you should write notes to help your memory.”
That night the old woman gets up to go to the kitchen. “Will you get me some vanilla ice cream with strawberries?” the husband asks.
“Sure,” says the wife.
“Shouldn’t you write it down?”
“I don’t have to,” she insists. “It’s vanilla ice cream with strawberries.”
Twenty minutes later she returns with a plate of bacon and eggs.
“Goddamn it,” he yells. “You forgot my fucking toast!”
An elderly couple go to see a doctor because they’re having trouble remembering things. After an exam, the doctor says, “You’re fine, but you should write notes to help your memory.”
That night the old woman gets up to go to the kitchen. “Will you get me some vanilla ice cream with strawberries?” the husband asks.
“Sure,” says the wife.
“Shouldn’t you write it down?”
“I don’t have to,” she insists. “It’s vanilla ice cream with strawberries.”
Twenty minutes later she returns with a plate of bacon and eggs.
“Goddamn it,” he yells. “You forgot my fucking toast!”
An elderly couple go to see a doctor because they’re having trouble remembering things. After an exam, the doctor says, “You’re fine, but you should write notes to help your memory.”
That night the old woman gets up to go to the kitchen. “Will you get me some vanilla ice cream with strawberries?” the husband asks.
“Sure,” says the wife.
“Shouldn’t you write it down?”
“I don’t have to,” she insists. “It’s vanilla ice cream with strawberries.”
Twenty minutes later she returns with a plate of bacon and eggs.
“Goddamn it,” he yells. “You forgot my fucking toast!”
I really like a joke I can remember and this one is funny enough to repeat.
wow thats is awesome