Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister or mangle your feet.
Your underwear is £1.99 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24
in 25 minutes.
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he
comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.
It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great
condition for 10 years.
"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is
outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from
the rain."
And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.
Naturally, they take the bike there.
But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to
tell you something about my family before we go in."
"When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says
anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack
of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in
the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
Still, nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table,
and screws her right there, in front of her parents.His girlfriend is a
little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he
sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom.
"She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the
dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the
dinner table.
Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total
silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "Hey, no problem,
I'll do the fuckin' dishes!"
Those bollards are so dangerous, I can't beleive the gov't thinks they're a good idea. People could get seriously hurt.
The people that hit them, we'd probably be better off getting rid of anyway.
QUOTE(natalie)
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he
comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.
It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great
condition for 10 years.
"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is
outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from
the rain."
And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.
Naturally, they take the bike there.
But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to
tell you something about my family before we go in."
"When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says
anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack
of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in
the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
Still, nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table,
and screws her right there, in front of her parents.His girlfriend is a
little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he
sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom.
"She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the
dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the
dinner table.
Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total
silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "Hey, no problem,
I'll do the fuckin' dishes!"
Great jokes, ladies. Gnappy, I agree thinning the herd Darwin style is usually a good idea, those bollards seem to pop up unexpected because the person was behind a bus or truck and probably never even good a look at a warning sign. It's almost like having your head crushed in a closing elevator door because the door doesn't know you're there. I'm saying in most cases that would be a bad thing, but now that I think about it, a few heads I could think of would be just perfect.
Great jokes, ladies. Gnappy, I agree thinning the herd Darwin style is usually a good idea, those bollards seem to pop up unexpected because the person was behind a bus or truck and probably never even good a look at a warning sign. It's almost like having your head crushed in a closing elevator door because the door doesn't know you're there. I'm saying in most cases that would be a bad thing, but now that I think about it, a few heads I could think of would be just perfect.
There's flashing signs for about 150 yards before the bollards, plus it's painted on the road before you get to them. If anyone can't see the signs they shouldn't even be on the road if they're eyes are that bad !. I say it serves the f**kers right
There's flashing signs for about 150 yards before the bollards, plus it's painted on the road before you get to them. If anyone can't see the signs they shouldn't even be on the road if they're eyes are that bad !. I say it serves the f**kers right
If that's the case, I agree. I'd like to invent a prong that shoots out of a cell-phone into a persons ear if they try to talk and drive at the same time. Surgical steel, honed to a razor sharp point ,five or six inches long, ought to work just fine.
If that's the case, I agree. I'd like to invent a prong that shoots out of a cell-phone into a persons ear if they try to talk and drive at the same time. Surgical steel, honed to a razor sharp point ,five or six inches long, ought to work just fine.
Homer: What can I do? I'm only one man.
Lisa: Lincoln was only one man.
Homer: Are you sure there wasn't a midget in his hat? I read an email that said there was.
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese." "Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever." She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?" "Um. I HATE liver and cheese ," blurts the Golden Retriever. "My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?" The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.
He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says .
A NORWEGIAN DECIDES TO TRAVEL ACROSS CANADA TO SEE THE PACIFIC
OCEAN WHEN HE GETS TO NANAIMO, HE LIKES THE PLACE SO MUCH THAT HE
DECIDES
TO STAY. BUT FIRST HE MUST FIND A JOB!!!!
HE WALKS INTO THE MACMILLIAN-BLOEDEL OFFICE AND FILLS OUT AN
APPLICATION AS AN EXPERIENCED LOGGER. IT'S HIS LUCKY DAY!!! THEY
JUST HAPPEN TO BE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE.
BUT FIRST, THE BUSH FOREMAN TAKES HIM FOR A RIDE INTO THE BUSH IN
THE COMPANY PICKUP TRUCK TO SEE HOW MUCH HE KNOWS.
THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD AND POINTS AT A
TREE. "SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE? I WANT YOU TO TELL ME WHAT SPECIES
IT IS AND HOW MANY BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IT CONTAINS.
THE NORWEGIAN PROMPTLY ANSWERS, "DATS DERE'S A SITKA SPRUCE, EH?
AND SHE GOT 383 BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IN 'ER."
THE FOREMAN IS IMPRESSED!!!
HE PUTS THE TRUCK IN MOTION AND STOPS ABOUT A MILE DOWN THE ROAD.
HE POINTS AT ANOTHER TREE THROUGH THE PASSENGER WINDOW AND ASKS THE
SAME QUESTION.
THIS TIME, IT'S A BIGGER TREE OF A DIFFERENT CLASS.
"LORD TUNDERIN'!! DAT'S YER DOUGLAS FIR AND SHE GOT 690 BOARD
FEET." SAYS THE NORWEGIAN.
NOW THE FOREMAN IS REALLY IMPRESSED.
THE NORWEGIAN HAS ANSWERED QUICKLY AND GOT THE ANSWERS RIGHT
WITHOUT USING A CALCULATOR!!!!
ONE MORE TEST.
THEY DRIVE A LITTLE FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD, AND THE FOREMAN STOPS
AGAIN. THIS TIME, HE POINTS ACROSS THE ROAD THROUGH HIS DRIVER SIDE
WINDOW
AND SAYS, "AND WHAT ABOUT THAT ONE?"
BEFORE THE FOREMAN FINISHS POINTING, THE NORWEGIAN SAYS, A YELLER
CEDAR, 242 BOARD FEET AT MOST."
THE FOREMAN SPINS THE TRUCK AROUND AND HEADS BACK TO THE OFFICE A
LITTLE PISSED OFF BECAUSE HE THINKS THE NORWEGIAN IS SMARTER THAN
HE. AS THEY NEAR THE OFFICE, THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK AND ASKS THE
NORWEGIAN TO STEP OUTSIDE. HE HANDS HIM A PIECE OF CHALK AND TELLS
HIM, "SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE? I WANT YOU TO MARK AN X ON THE
FRONT OF THAT TREE!
THE FOREMAN THINKS TO HIMSELF, "IDIOT!! HOW WOULD HE KNOW WHICH IS
THE FRONT OF THE TREE?
WHEN THE NORWEGIAN REACHES THE TREE, HE GOES AROUND IT IN A CIRCLE
WHILE LOOKING AT THE GROUND. HE THEN REACHES UP AND PLACES A WHITE
X ON THE TRUNK.
HE WALKS BACK TO THE FOREMAN AND HANDS HIM THE CHALK.
"DAT'S DA FRONT A' DAT TREE FER SURE." THE NORWEGIAN STATES.
THE FOREMAN LAUGHS TO HIMSELF AND ASKS SARCASTICALLY, "HOW IN THE
HELL DO YOU KNOW THAT'S THE FRONT OF THE TREE?"
THE NORWEGIAN LOOKS DOWN AT HIS FEET, WHILE RUBBING THE TOE OF HIS
LEFT BOOT CLEANING IT IN THE GRAVEL AND REPLIES, "CUZ SOMEBODY TOOK A
SHIT BEHIND IT, EH?"
The priest in a small village loved his chickens that he kept in the coop behind the church.
One Sunday morning before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about the cock fights in the village, so he decided to question his parishioners in church.
During mass, he asked his congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"
All the men stood up.
No, no, that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"
All the women stood up.
No, no, that wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood up !
No, no, no, that wasn't what I meant. What I really really mean is, has anybody seen MY cock?"
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
A little boy was sitting on the curb
with a gallon of turpentine and
shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.
A little while later a Priest came along
and asked the little boy what he had.
The little boy replied,
"This is the most powerful liquid in the world,
it's called turpentine."
The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the
world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water
and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a
healthy baby."
The little boy replied, "You take some of this here turpentine
and rub it on a cat's ass and he'll pass a Harley Davidson!"
If that's the case, I agree. I'd like to invent a prong that shoots out of a cell-phone into a persons ear if they try to talk and drive at the same time. Surgical steel, honed to a razor sharp point ,five or six inches long, ought to work just fine.
haha, that's great. I was laughing so hard I almost crashed my car while reading it.
