THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK:
- Thanks, but I don’t want to have sex.
- Nope, no more beer for me.
- Sorry, but you’re not really my type.
- Good evening officer, isn’t it lovely out tonight.
- Oh, I just couldn’t. No one wants to hear me sing.
Here's a joke for you all.
Bill Gates dies and goes to heaven. at the gates, St Peter gives him a jacket made of bronze.
While walking around in heaven, Bill saw a man wearing a jacket made of Gold. So he goes back to St. Peter.
"Why Have I got a jacket made of bronze? I've seen one man walking around with a gold one" Bill asked St Peter.
"Ah, that's the captain of the titanic" replied St peter.
"So, the captain of the captain gets a gold jacket, and a man who revolutionised the way we live, work and play and transact business only get's a bronze jacket? What's happening here!? I created Microsoft and the windows operating system! This is Mad" shouted bill
"Well," said Saint Peter, "the titanic only crashed once"
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind
>>Him,
>>My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
>>
>>"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies
>>"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a
>>Urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to
do
>>About it.
>>
>>It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than
a
>>Doctor."
>>
>>So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to
>>Wal-Mart.
>>
>>He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the
>>Urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
>>
>>Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
>>
>>"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
>>Activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @
>>Wal-Mart."
>>
>>That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was,
>>Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
>>
>>He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples
>>From his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
>>
>>Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He
>>Deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the
results.
>>
>>The computer prints the following:
>>
>>1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
>>2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle
>>7)
>>3.. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
>>4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
>>5 If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never
get
>>Better !
>>
>>Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart
>>
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind
>>Him,
>>My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
>>
>>"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies
>>"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a
>>Urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to
do
>>About it.
>>
>>It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than
a
>>Doctor."
>>
>>So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to
>>Wal-Mart.
>>
>>He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the
>>Urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
>>
>>Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
>>
>>"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
>>Activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @
>>Wal-Mart."
>>
>>That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was,
>>Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
>>
>>He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples
>>From his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
>>
>>Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He
>>Deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the
results.
>>
>>The computer prints the following:
>>
>>1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
>>2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle
>>7)
>>3.. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
>>4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
>>5 If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never
get
>>Better !
>>
>>Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart
>>
Damn, RD, if you're going to post a joke that has been forwarded several times by email, at least edit out the control characters like ">>>>".
Besides, if you got it by email, so did everyone else...probably six years ago!
Damn, RD, if you're going to post a joke that has been forwarded several times by email, at least edit out the control characters like ">>>>".
Besides, if you got it by email, so did everyone else...probably six years ago!
So sorry to upset you....do I owe you some money???...Did I back into your car???....Did I cut in front of you in line at Walmart???...Did I kick your dog??? As you should have noticed, it is a joke thread, and I told a joke. Sorry it wasnt edited for your specifications, and due to the fact that I am not on this board nearly as much as you are, I did get this "joke" only yesterday, and thought it would b nice to share with others. So the past 6 years, this joke must have missed me, as well as others.....I am not as timely as you are.
Go ahead and get in your car and go run over a cat for at least 6 times...or yell at the old lady in the grocery line for not moving so fast...I think you would feel better.....
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the
pearly gates.
"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on.
"It represents a candle" he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" said Saint Peter.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's knickers. St. Peter looked at
the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just how do those
symbolize Christmas?"
So sorry to upset you....do I owe you some money???...Did I back into your car???....Did I cut in front of you in line at Walmart???...Did I kick your dog??? As you should have noticed, it is a joke thread, and I told a joke. Sorry it wasnt edited for your specifications, and due to the fact that I am not on this board nearly as much as you are, I did get this "joke" only yesterday, and thought it would b nice to share with others. So the past 6 years, this joke must have missed me, as well as others.....I am not as timely as you are.
Go ahead and get in your car and go run over a cat for at least 6 times...or yell at the old lady in the grocery line for not moving so fast...I think you would feel better.....
So sorry to upset you....do I owe you some money???...Did I back into your car???....Did I cut in front of you in line at Walmart???...Did I kick your dog??? As you should have noticed, it is a joke thread, and I told a joke. Sorry it wasnt edited for your specifications, and due to the fact that I am not on this board nearly as much as you are, I did get this "joke" only yesterday, and thought it would b nice to share with others. So the past 6 years, this joke must have missed me, as well as others.....I am not as timely as you are.
Go ahead and get in your car and go run over a cat for at least 6 times...or yell at the old lady in the grocery line for not moving so fast...I think you would feel better.....
"She kick my dog, and now I'm going to fuck her! No, I'm not! Just kidding!"
I don't know if anyone will get that, but I do and it's hilarious.
so hiliarious, in fact, it warrants this here smiley
