A Fairy Tale

A Married Couple in their early 60’s was celebrating their 35TH anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, “For being such an exemplary married couple and for being so faithful to each other all of this time, I will grant you each one wish.”

“Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband” said the wife.

The fairy waved her magic wand and poof, two tickets for the Queen Mary III appeared in her hands.

Then it was the husband’s turn. He thought for a moment and said, “Well, this is all very romantic but an opportunity like this will never come again. I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.”

Both the wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed. But a wish is a wish… So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof! The husband became 92 years old.

The Moral of the Story:
Men who are ungrateful assholes should remember that fairies are female.

Not in all cases.

You should know! Your the one who has been chasing Gnappster.

Mildred, the church gossiper and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Henry, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Henry and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

Henry, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, Henry quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house...walked home...and left it there all night.

Good one.

Diving test question?

...

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his
repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote: "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message:"Genesis 3:10."
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."
Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."

Not a joke but a funny "You Tube" link. Kungfooey!

A man goes into a restaurant and orders a cheeseburger. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bit out of it and notices there is a small hair in the burger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress there is a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what's going on!" So, the waitress takes him back to the kitchen and to his horror, he sees the cook take the hamburger and flatten it under his armpit.
"That's disgusting!" He says. The waitress shrugs. "If you think that's disgusting, you should see how he makes the doughnuts."

I'll pass on the Doughnuts!

Funeral Procession

Here You Go Girls (and dog lovers) Your Laugh for the Day !!!!!
A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when
she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby
cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black
hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse
was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash.
Behind her, a short distance back, wereabout 200 women walking
single file. The woman was so curious that she respectfully
approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for
your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I have
never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?"
"My husband's."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my
husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two
women.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."

A WOMAN'S PRAYER:

Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man. Love, To
forgive him and Patience, For his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray
for Strength I'll just beat him to death.

I bought a prize rooster , had in my yard , well the neighbers donkey came over and chased the rooster around till he caught it then he ate the legs off it , So I went and visited the neighber , SIR WE HAVE A PROBLEM YOUR ASS HAS 2 FEET OF MY COCK IN IT .......

A man went into a lawyer's office, and demanded to see the lawyer. He was escorted into the lawyer's office.

The man needed legal help, but he knew how expensive lawyers could be, so he inquired, "Can you tell me how much you charge?"

"Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $500 to answer three questions."

"Don't you think that's an awful lot of money to answer three questions?"

"Yes it is", answered the lawyer, "What's your third question?"

This sounds like a joke but it really happened:

A friend of mine owns a recruiting business, basically a headhunter. He sent a secretary out on a job interveiw last week. He swears this is what the prospective employer told him.
Employer: We can start you out at eight dollars an hour. After three months it
goes to ten per hour. When will you be available to start?

Secretary: In three months.

The employer laughed then hired her right then and agreed to ten per hour to start.

Did you hear about the priest and the nun who took the afternoon off to go golfing?

The priest takes a huge swing at the ball, whiffs it, and says, Shit I missed.

The nun looks up sharply and says, Father, youd better watch you language!

A couple of holes later, the priest whiffs it again and says, Shit I missed.

And the nun says, Father, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that.

On the next tee, the priest whiffs it and once again says, Shit! I missed.

At that moment the sky turns black, the clouds rumble, and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes down and strikes the nun dead in her tracks.

And then a voice from the sky says, Shit! I missed.

(From page 18 of The Tao Of Wille, by Willie Nelson, Gotham Books, © May 2006)

I’m sure Willie was just repeating something he had heard from a friend or a fan. I wouldn’t recommend walking next to me outdoors anytime real soon for repeating this joke.

A blonde goes to the local restaurant, buys a small drink for
herself,
>and sits down to drink it. She notices a peel-off prize sticker on the
side
>of her cup while she is drinking. After pulling off the tab, she
begins
>screaming, "I won a motor home! I won a motor home!"
>
>The waitress runs over and argues, "That's impossible. The biggest
prize
>given away was a stero system!"
>
>The blonde replies, "No. I won a motor home!"
>
>By this time, the manager makes his way over to the table, and he too
>argues, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't
have
>that as one of our prizes."
>
>Again the blonde says, "There is no mistake! I won a motor home!"
>
>The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A
>BAGEL."
>

Classic one line from the late great Buddy Hackett....

Robber walks up to a man " This is a fuckup!!!" Man goes, " Don't you mean a stickup!!??" Robber says, " No, this is a fuckup, I forgot my gun!"

classic!!!

how 'bout this... A little joke that 3d can relate to

Q: Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?

A: Because sheep can hear zippers.

3 women are in a cafe chatting, 1st one says I'm having a boob job, 2nd woman says im having my areshole bleached, 3rd woman says I cant imagine your husband with blonde hair.

Thank you, I'm here all week, try the lobster