An Englishman goes to Australia with his wife; they stay in a 5 star hotel and hire a Limo for the day. While driving along the road, his wife asks,
"Look! What is that man doing with that kangaroo?"
The man replies, "My God! Don't look, it's disgusting!"
Further down the road the wife says, "Look, another one!" and the husband says,
"Disgusting! I shall report this when we get back to the hotel."
They arrive back at the hotel only to find a man with one wooden leg having a wank on the steps of the hotel. The husband charges in and says to the manager,
"Look, we come here in good faith, to stay in your 5 star hotel and what happens? We are driving down the road and we come across a drover in copulation with a kangaroo. Further on, more recurrences of the same thing. Then we get back here only to find a man with one wooden leg, masturbating on your front steps. Well, what do you have to say about that?"
The manager says, 'S'truth mate, you expect a man with one wooden leg to catch his own kangaroo?"

Isn't "Five Star Hotel" & Australia an Oximoron?

What kinda bees make milk?

"boo bees" ......lmao. *bows*

I love that joke, but you cut out half of it. Here's how it should go...

If honeybees make honey, what kind of bees make milk?

boobies!!!

haha oops! My mistake, yah a great joke, it definitely fits this board

I assumed that someone else had already posted it, but I wasn't going to read 8 pages of replies just to see if someone had posted that joke haha.

Never seen it here. I often think of posting it, but never when I'm online. But now it's been taken care of so no need to worry about it anymore. I was going to post some pics of PD up in here but you might as well take care of that for me too

(I sure hope that trick works :crossedfingersesmiley: )

Older but not Wiser

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spend
$15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she
stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the
clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply.

"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl
the very same question.

The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."

The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store
on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints
and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next
to her the same question.

He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was
young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds
very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the
best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around
very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he
gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them
against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am
I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and
says, "Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you
tell?"

The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise I won't." she says.

"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

lmao that's awesome, good one

haha I'll see what I can do

sweet!!! My 411 thread will be the new hangout

Yah ppl will have to donate to your paypay account before they can gain access to your 411.

An exclusive club for pervs doesn't come cheap ya know

Uncle Bucks joke reminded me of this one;

A husband and wife are out shooting pool with the husbands best friend. The husband notices his friend checking out his wife every time she bends over to make a shot. "Wow," the friend says, "You're a lucky guy. What I wouldn't give to kiss her nipples." The husband pulls his wife aside and tells her that they can make some easy money. Reluctantly, she agrees. They figure the friend will pay $500.00 to kiss her nipples and he says he will. So she lifts up her shirt and he pulls up her bra and starts squeezing her tits. He kneads them and rolls her nipples between his fingers. He licks all around her nipples and gently massages her boobs. Finally, after five minutes of this, the husband starts to get pissed. "Will you just kiss her nipples and get it over with," he says. The friend looks up from between her boobs and says, "Man, I'd love to, but I really can't afford it.

Best hustle ever!!!

dang. i cant tell my jokes...cause they are things i really did....u know, like when you're kinda pissed at someone?!

Like a practical joke? Those ARE hard to tell, you kinda have to be there. Since you can't give us that, what else have you got.

Did you hear about the man and woman astronaut who go to Mars?

Turns out that there are Martians everywhere and they look quite a bit like humans. So the astronauts decide that they should each have sex with a Martian--purely in the interest of science, of course.

While the male astronaut goes to a bar to buy a Martian chick some drinks, the female astronaut grabs a Martian man and says, “Let’s do it.”

They go back to the spaceship, the Martian man takes off his clothes, and she’s pretty disappointed at what she sees.

“You want bigger?” asks the Martian man. Then he twists his right ear and is suddenly very long!

The Earth woman still looks disappointed, so the Martian man twists his left ear and adds a bit of girth to match…so the two of them go at it all night long.

The next morning the woman astronaut asks the male astronaut how thinks went with the Martian Chick.

He says, “Great but she almost twisted my ears off!”

"Onions" and "Christmas Tree"

Family is at the dinner table.
The son asks his father, "Dad, how Many kinds of boobies are
there?
The father, surprised, answers,
"Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts.
In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and
firm.
In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but
hanging
a
bit.
After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?", the wife says.
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,
"Mum, How
many
kinds of 'willies' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man
goes
through
three phases.
In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and
hard.
In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but
reliable.
After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration
only."

Anna had lost her husband almost 4 yrs ago.

Her daughter was Constantly calling her and urging her to get back out into the world.

Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied,
"Mom! I have someone for you to meet.

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another, and after dating for a couple of weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Wisconsin.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.
There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties, he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?

"She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same.

She stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit,
but now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"
He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

Thanks Foxy!

Great effort, Foxy and evade. I can always use a good laugh.