The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new
virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted Disease. The disease is
contracted through dangerous and high-risk behavior. The disease is
called Gonorrhea Lectim and pronounced "gonna re-elect him."

Many victims contracted it in 2004, after having been screwed for the
past four years. Cognitive characteristics of individuals infected
include: anti-social personality disorders, delusions of grandeur with
messianic overtones, extreme cognitive dissonance, inability to
incorporate new information, pronounced xenophobia and paranoia,
inability to accept responsibility for own actions, cowardice masked by
misplaced bravado, uncontrolled facial smirking, ignorance of
geography and history, tendencies towards evangelical theocracy,
categorical all-or-nothing behavior, and the inability to pronounce the
word nuclear.

Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how this destructive
disease originated only a few years ago from a bush found in Texas.

Subject: COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too cool to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Yes, thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: MAC?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer is Lou?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: MAC?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO:! Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for wind! ows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you c lick the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: W! hy not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START".............

Women in heaven
1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit
shaking from the cold, I began to get warm 'n
sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What
about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I
suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came
home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I
found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman
there somewhere that I started running all over the
house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched,
and down into the basement. Then I went through
every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept
this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I
became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a
heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the
freezer---we'd both still be alive.

Absolutely hilarious

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

She tells the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.

A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and says sweetly, "Not an excuse. You can write with your other hand."

No Specka de English

The bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage
in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her
attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the
following:

Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady
indignantly. "In this country . . we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell Mississippi'

BRITS REVOKE USA INDEPENDENCE

(A Message from John
Cleese To the citizens of the United States of
America):

"In light of your failure to elect a competent
President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we
hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign
Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
duties over all states, commonwealths and territories
(excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a
governor for America without the need for further
elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to
determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the
transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English
Dictionary. Then look up aluminium, and check the
pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how
wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U'
will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and
"neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell
'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the
suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise.
Generally, you will be expected to raise your
vocabulary to acceptable levels - (look up
vocabulary).

Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with
filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an
unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
There is no such thing as US English. We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft
spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the
reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You
will relearn your original national anthem, God Save
The Queen.

July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

You will learn to resolve personal issues without
using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you
need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're
not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only
be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to
sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a
therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a
gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own
or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable
peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry
a vegetable peeler in public. All American cars are
hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own
good. When we show you German cars, you will
understand what we mean. All intersections will be
replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving
on the left with immediate effect. At the same time,
you will go metric with immediate effect and without
the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and
metrication will help you understand the British sense
of humour.

The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which
you have been calling gasoline) - roughly $6/US
gallon. Get used to it. You will learn to make real
chips. Those things you call French fries are not real
chips, and those things you insist on calling potato
chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick
cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup
but with vinegar. The cold tasteless stuff you insist
on calling beer is not actually beer at all.
Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as beer, and European brews of known and
accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.
American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen
Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of
further confusion. Hollywood will be required
occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.
Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors
to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell
attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a
Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears
removed with a cheese grater.

You will cease playing American football. There is
only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer.
Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to
play rugby (which has some similarities to American
football, but does not involve stopping for a rest
every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body
armour like a bunch of nancies). Further, you will
stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the World Series for a game which is not
played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are
aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your
error is understandable.

You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us
mad.

An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from
Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
ensure the acquisition of all monies due(backdated to
1776

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.

One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a
Nicoderm patch on it. He looks at the other priest and says, "I
believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not
your penis."

The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down to two
butts a day."

This pic from Kathleen's thread made me think up this one (admittedly male bashing)

Why is a man better than a cactus?

Because were not ALL such pricks.

Debatable but funny

ooooo Maybe Kathleen is trying to develop a thornless cactus variety.

Robot Bartender

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot
bartender. The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and
then>asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man replies "150" and the robot
proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors,
quantum physics and Spirituality, biomimicry, environmental
interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and the Kama
Sutra.

The customer is very impressed and thinks, "this is really cool." He
decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and
comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the
perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man
responds, "about a 100." Immediately the robot starts talking about
NASCAR, supermodels, hunting, beer and women's breasts.

Really! impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the
robot one more test. He! heads out and returns, the robot serves him
and asks, "What's your IQ?" The man replies, "Er, 50, I think." And the
robot says... Real slowly... "So............... Ya gonna vote for Bush
again?"

A knight and his men return to their castle after a hard month of fighting. "How are we faring?" his king asks.

"Very well, sire," replies the knight. "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf, burning the towns of all your enemies in the west."

"What?!" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!"

"Oh," says the knight. "Well, you do now."

Sometimes this is true even on this board:

I have a German Shepherd that likes to chew things up. Fortunately this has never happened.

That is just freaking hilarious......I know what I'm buying for my inlaws dog for Xmas

A .gif is worth a thousand words.

Or mabe the .gif that keeps on giving.