Wife saves Drunk Husband
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After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful one. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face."

"He's an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!"

"You did. All over his suit, " Louise informed him. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him," said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday."

now that's a good wife.

A GAY MAN'S FINAL CHANCE AT FUN!

Three Americans died overseas in the war. The General of the three was sent to each of the houses to inform their spouses.

He went to the first man's house and told the man's wife of the tragic news. She cried for a moment and the General asked her what she wanted to do with his body.'

'Well,"she said,''he loved to fish so I would like to have his body creamated and his ashes spread over the lake so he can be forever with his fish. "And it was done.

The General went and informed the second man's wife. She too cried and was then asked what was to be done with his body? "She said, "Well,he loved to hunt, so I think it would be great if we could have him creamated and have his ashes scattered over the forrests so he can be forever with the creatures that he loved so much."

The third man was gay. The General was a little hesitant but proceeded in telling the man's husband the bad news. The man cried and screamed for well over an hour and then finally calmed down enough to hear the General's question."What would you like to do with his body?"

The gay man responded, "Well,my husband was a good man, but he was not very outgoing. He didn't like to do anything outside the house. He was the best lover I ever had. He was amazing in bed. He loved my chili too. I loved him so much. Well,the only logical thing to do is to have his body cremated, make some chili for dinner,throw his ashes in, and let him burn my ass up one more time!"

Bondi might like this one.

A texan farmer goes to Austarlia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice that big." Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows." the conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Taxan sees a herd of kangaroos hoping thru the field. He asks "And what are those?" The Aussie fed up with the Texan's bragging replies with an incredulous look, "What, don't you hva eany grasshoppers in Texas?"

Good one, Nat.
here's my joke of the day. It's an old one, but still funny.

Two men were having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course. They didn't bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette.

After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, "I think I'll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through."

He walked out the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around, and came back, explaining, "I can't do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress! Maybe you'd better go talk to them."

The second man walked toward the ladies, got halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back and said: "Small world."

Good one hun

Talk about being between a rock and a hard place

Here's my new joke of the day:

A man setting in a bar next to a beautiful lady, who's wearing the tightest fitting pants he has ever seen. He keeps looking at her with wide eyes, so she finally asks, "What's wrong?"

He said, "Lady, I hope you don't mind my being too presumptuous, but I was wondering, just how does a person get into a pair of pants like that?"

She looks at him, smiles, and says, "You might start by buying me a drink."

Ok Austin Powers not that funny.

Hey, I just copied and pasted the joke of the day that was emailed to me. I don't write 'em, I just plagiarize.

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again her husband died. But, she re-married and had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died. Satnding before her coffin, the preaher prayed for her. He thanked the lord, for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together." One mourner leaned over and asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?" The friend replied " I think he means he legs."

Funeral Funny!

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.........I'm a gynecologist."

The proctologist fainted

absolutely hilarious!!!

And oldie but goodie

1-800-PSYCHIC
Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

Here's my joke of the day. Not funny, but it made me chuckle:

A blind man with a seeing-eye dog goes into a large Department Store.

He wanders about for a while, then stops, snatches the dog up by its tail, and begins to twirl it around over his head.

Upon seeing this, a clerk goes to the blind man and says "May I help you, sir?", to which the blind man responds, "No, thank you, I.m just looking around."

Here's one the kids can tell...

A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a cold one.
The bartender gives it to him and says "that'll be $25."
A minute later making conversation the bartender says "We don't get many gorillas round these parts"
The gorilla replies "I'm not surprised at those prices.."