Top 10 Signs Your "Baby" Is Too Old For Breastfeeding
10. He can open your blouse by himself.
9. While suckling at one breast, he caresses the other.
8. He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue.
7. He keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt.
6. He uses your milk as creamer for his coffee.
5. Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine.
4. After each feeding, he has a smoke.
3. He frequently invites his friends over for dinner.
2. You feel an uncontrollable urge to listen to "Dueling Banjos."
1. Beard abrasions on areola.
A little boy saw his mother changing clothes and saw her tits for the first time. He asked what they were and she told him that "they are mommy's baloons, someday when I die, the baloons will float me up to heaven". That seemed to satisfy the little boy.
A few days later, the boy's father got a frantic phone call. "Come home quick, Daddy, Mommy's dying". he screamed.
"How do you know"? asked the father
"Because Uncle Ted is blowing up her baloons and she's screaming 'Oh God, I'm coming"
One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the backyard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another look. Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbor's house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large,burly man, opened the door.
"Excuse me", our man stammered, "but I couldn't help noticing how beautiful your wife is."
"Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbor replied.
"Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts."
The burly gorilla is about to deck our poor guy when his wife appears and stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss the offer for a few moments. Finally, they return and ask our friend to step inside.
"OK," the husband says gruffly, "for ten thousand dollars you can kiss my wife's tits."
At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desire hang free at last. Our man takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This goes on for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed. "Well, come on already, kiss 'em!" he growls.
"I can't," replies our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away.
"Why not?" demands the husband, getting really angry now.
"I don't have ten thousand dollars."
So one day a guy is walking down the street and he spots this girl. Now this isnt any ordinary female, this is a prime specimen. beautiful, 5'9" with 4 foot long legs it seems. beautiful, perfectly formed face, great tight ass, long smooth legs, tight firm stomach, and the best boobs the guy has ever seen in his life. Right then and there he makes up his mind. "I have got to get those tits!"
So the guy follows the girl for a few moments and suddenly taps her on the shoulder, making her jump into the air a few inches and turn around, ready to slap someone. "Excuse me miss...im sorry for this interruption but i must say..you have the absolute BEST breasts ive ever seen in my life! i must bite them...may i please?"
The girl, of course, freaks out and is about ready to deck the guy, but keeps herself under control. "NO! ABSOLUTLEY NOT! Why on EARTH would i let you bite my breasts?"
"Well, i have this thing. Every time i see a good pair of breasts, i have to bite them. i am willing to pay you 10 dollars for it."
"no! absolutley not!" the chick runs away down the corner trying to get away from him.
The guy follows her and catches up to her yelling as he runs down the street "100 dollars!" "NO!"
she rounds a corner and he bursts into speed and catches up with her, cutting her off. "please, il give you 1,000 dollars. im begging ma'am"
"no!" she leaves again and runs into an alley, trying to avoid him.
Unfortunatley, it seems to be a dead end. He corners her and says "Il give you $10,000 to do it. im begging you ma'am, please!!"
the lady sits there and contemplates. its her body, and she would feel like a whore for doing it, but she could really use the money. Finally, after several long moments of contemplation, she decides to let the guy do it. she takes him farther back into the alleyway and unbuttons her blouse, revealing the most beautiful set of breasts known on gods green earth. the mans jaw drops to the floor and he immediatley starts squeezing, licking, sucking, pulling, rubbing, kissing, and groping her. after several minutes of the man doing everything BUT biting her chest, the woman starts to get agrivated.
"Are you going to bite my breasts or not!?"
"HELL NO! its too expensive!"
A flat-chested woman was delighted when her Fairy Godmother said her breasts would increase in size each time a man said, "Pardon" to her. She walked down the sidewalk, accidentally bumped into a man and he said, "Pardon Me. " Her breasts instantly grew an inch and she was ecstatic. The next day she bumped into a man in the grocery store, he begged her pardon and another inch was added to her breasts. She was in seventh heaven! She walked into a Chinese restaurant, collided with a waiter who bowed and said, "A thousand pardons for my clumsy behavior." The next day the headline in the local newspaper read, "Chinese Waiter Crushed in Freak Accident!"
Three babies were playing together at daycare. "I hate my dinner," declared the oldest. "Each night it's the same thing - string beans. I hate string beans." "You think you have it bad," said next oldest. "For me it's always mashed peas. I hate peas." "You guys have it lucky," the youngest said. "I have to share a tit with a man that smokes Havana cigars."
Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.
The son comes running up to his mom and says..."Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got !"
The success of the "Wonder Bra" for under-endowed women, has encouraged the designers to come out with a bra for over-endowed women. It's called the "Sheep Dog Bra"... It rounds them up and points them in the right direction.
you Wise cracka!
