DINNER CONVERSATION GONE WRONG...
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you play golf with her?"
HUSBAND: "I guess so."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: - - silence - - -
HUSBAND: "Shit."
1. Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in
bed with you.
2. Set timer for 2 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.
6. Keep extra polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the
bed.
7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.
8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.
9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.
Morning sex???????
John woke up one morning immensely aroused so he
turned over to his wife's side of the bed.
His wife, Heather, had already awakened though, and
she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the
kitchen.Afraid that he might spoil things by getting
up, John called his little boy into the room and asked
him to take this note to your beautiful Mommy."
The note read:
The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
The Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.
Heather, grinning, answered the note and then asked
her son to take this to Daddy.
Her note read:
Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.
John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply.
Then, he asked his son to take it back to "the lady in
the kitchen."
His note read:
The Tent Pole's Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You're Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.
Laughing, Heather answered the note and then asked her son to" take this to the poor dude upstairs."
Her note read:
I'm Sure That Your Pole's
The Best In The Land.
But I'm Busy Right Now,
Do It By Hand !
A hunter was hospitalized with serious injuries today
at a local hospital. Doctors removed 47 large splinters
from his penis. No one really knows how this happened
but he was found under this tree.
Two sperm are swimming thru a womans' body. One looks over at the other and says, "Man, I'm getting tired. How much further is it to the uterus? "Uterus?", the other one says, "we haven't even passed the esophagus.
Two sperm are swimming thru a womans' body. One looks over at the other and says, "Man, I'm getting tired. How much further is it to the uterus? "Uterus?", the other one says, "we haven't even passed the esophagus.
Two strangers are sitting at a bar, watching the 11 O'clock news. There's a guy on top of a skyscraper threatening to jump. The first guy says, "I'll bet you ten bucks he jumps." The other guy says, "Sure, I'll take that bet" They watch for a couple of more minutes and sure enough, the man jumps. As the second guy reaches for his wallet, the first says, "Put away your money, I saw him jump earlier on the 6 O'clock news." No, take it," the second guy says, "I saw him jump at 6 O'clock, too, but I never thought he'd do it again."
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today,
and all the other kids could only count to four, but I
counted to 10 See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said.
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she
yelled, "we were saying the
alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it
to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes,
it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy,"she
yelled, "we were in gym class
today, and when we showered, all the other girls had
flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank
top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
